Somewhere during the week, I lost my motivation to write a blog everyday. I am running out of time but I did come up with a possible solution to help me. I have a new dictation software that will help me after the surgeries begin. Friday I will have surgery on my right hand. I am not sure what the healing will be like. There is already nerve damage to the sensory and motor nerves on that hand. I have to wait at least 12 weeks until I can have surgery on the left hand. Fortunately, the left hand had not gone below the nerve conduction threshold for determining when damage is occurring. It was, however, sitting about an "oh at I have that going for me" above the threshold for damage to that hand. So in the 12 weeks that I will only be using my left hand I am sure that it will do what it will. There is still the big mystery as to why I got acute bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome overnight. Most likely disease related, but not sure if it is Behcet's disease. Things like that make you feel warm and well, not fuzzy.
I usually don't tell all the little details on this site about what is going on everyday simply because: a) it is usually boring, b) it can be incredibly depressing at times, c) I don't like sharing that information with everyone which is good because most people don't want to read or listen to that everyday. What I do write is somehow the good that is coming out of all of this and that I am still fighting. The past two weeks have been weeks of venting to my psychotherapist. I go twice a week just to keep my sanity and to keep my erratic, drug-induced, irrational rants and vents to a minimum. The therapist gets an earful but that is what they are there for. My therapist is really cool. I couldn't have hand-picked her better myself. She understands where to direct me to cope with walking through these Indiana Jones caves of life.
Two weeks ago, I missed my therapy appointments for two straight to due to the therapist being on vacation and me being in a time management time warp. Mary was gone for a week with the kids and I missed both appointments with my therapist because I slept through both of the appointments. I forget sometimes about all of the things that Mary does for me and for the family. Because I didn't have my venting opportunities, I vented a little too much when Mary returned. I am sure this was all she needed after all that she had been through pulling stuff together for the family and dealing with so many things that I used to do for the family but can't handle stress-wise. So I guess you could say that the "vent" hit the fan when I went all irrational about something. Instead of fighting back like Mary usually does, which is health, she got real quiet. I knew this was bad, real bad. For the sake of her privacy, I won't tell you the details of what happened next but it really hit me hard of how deep this disease has taken its toll on the family.
My wife is ready to have a breakdown. My five year old cries sometimes and is always asking me when I am going to get better. She understands enough that it breaks her heart when I can't run and play with her the way I used to. She woke up twice while she was out of town with Mary having nightmares about me dying. A five year old should not be worried about her father dying. My two year old is starting to catch on that daddy is sick. She doesn't climb in the bed and snuggle with me to get me up in the mornings anymore. She knows more and more that the situation is not normal. It breaks my heart more than anyone will ever be able to understand unless they have experienced it themselves. But if they do make it through this, the girls will be something more than special. They will be stronger, more caring and incredibly gifted at helping others. I couldn't ask for a better family.
We don't know how much longer we will be in the house. Foreclosure is set for the first Tuesday in June unless we can get it back under short sale contract again. But that is not what the banks want. With a foreclosure, the banks get paid by our US government to cover their losses. So much for the people. We have a built a government that helps businesses and banks instead of helping those truly in need. I don't know what to ask for, but at this point, after all of the suffering BB&T has caused to our family and now possibly Wells Fargo, I almost say that they give us the house free and clear. After all the money that those blood suckers have borrowed at ZERO percent from our government and charged us for every staple they use and charge us 20 times the cost of the staple, I say let them burn to the ground. We should never bail out banks ever, ever again. It caused our first depression and is responsible for every depression that has ever happened. Why is that? Because the people in office have their pockets filled, their bellies filled everything they could ever want filled from these banks sot that legislation always goes in favor of the banks. You know during the first depression, people would rob the banks and no one would report who they were even if they knew them. It was because they were so mad at the banks for the position that they placed our lives in. I am not saying that we start robbing banks but we are going to have to put in place people in government with strong backbones and strong will against the millions dangled above their heads. If we can ever find a way to do that, then and only then will things begin to change.
So that was my vent hitting the fan. Hopefully it didn't splatter or offend you too much. I just am tired of sitting and watching this world spin itself into idiocracy. I see the good parts, I see the good people and that gives me hope. But those people are not on tv. So turning off the tv will help you find the people that can help you find sane solutions to this chaos. Let's stand behind these people and start changing things now (the sooner the better in my case).
Hopefully we can get some quality blogging from my dictation software. I will let you know when I get it going in the coming days.