A Beautiful Wonderful Mess - By Mary Barwick



In the midst of moving, our stuff everywhere, and I mean everywhere, I finally find a pen and a piece of paper to write down my thoughts.  My perspective on this journey. My life story as it relates to Andy and this illness called Behcet’s.
Last Monday was Andy’s and my anniversary. Seven years. Unfortunately this has been the sickest, most tired and weary I have ever seen Andy. He can usually get up in the evenings and has enough energy to sit and talk with me.  He definitely can get up if he knows we are going to a restaurant like Rathbuns, the  place we talked about going this year for our anniversary.
But not this week. No, this week he is in bed broken, sick and at the end of himself.
It breaks my heart for him to be trapped in a body of pain, unanswered questions and extreme fatigue. And it breaks my heart for me. I’m so sad, so lonely, so broken and helpless for him.
And to add to the misery I’m reading a book about the children of the Holocaust. What was I thinking starting a book like that at a time like this?
Heartbreaking, disturbing and disgusting; however, it’s a beautiful story that is making me love my children more, kiss them more, hug them and tell them that I love them even more.
Yet it’s not taking away my pain as I compare my pain to the poor, helpless Jews and all they had to endure.
But it is making me aware of how dark life can be.
I should just stop here. Rest in the darkness and not try to write something happy or shallow. But I can’t because I know that in the darkness and in the midst of chaos there is beauty. Not a beauty that is void of pain or suffering. But one that is made more beautiful because of it.
Beauty comes in the form of people like my friend Andrea. All my emotions, words, theories about life and spirituality that I spill out. She takes in with grace, ease and understanding. She gets me. She understands me. She not only listens to me. She hears me. She is truly a jewel shining in the dark dusty days of this journey.
Beauty is our friend Keith filming Andy during this difficult time. Filming him so that one day he can put together a full length documentary about Andy and his battle with Behcet’s. Just his care and concern for our little family is monumental to me and I know for Andy as well.
Beauty is not worrying about money because a dear family friend deposited a large chunk of it into our bank account. Beauty is calling a friend in hopes she can help me move and when I ask what she’s doing tomorrow she confidently says, “Helping you!”
Beauty is a group of dear friends and family packing our belongings, taking our kids so that I can have a moment to myself and giving us a place to rest our heads. Beauty is Cindy, Jessica, Michelle, Andrea, Lynda, Ponchot, KTJ, Amity, The Brothers, Ann, Kris, Jeff, Alice, Maria, Lee Ann, the two Leighs, Tanya, Renay, Alicia, The Manns, The Marshal's The McClures, The Roberts, The Johnsons, Mom and Dad and so many more.
Yes. Our belongings may be everywhere, in storage, at friends’ houses, at my sister’s. And our lives, our emotions and our thoughts may not be strong and steadfast at times but rather fragile and ever changing. Strewn here and there for all to see. And some may understand and some may not. Some may be a part of making the journey more beautiful, others may not.
 But as I sit back and watch it all unfold I realize whatever is going on, whatever is happening in this dark and chaotic time. It is truly a beautiful, wonderful mess