I hate when I don't feel inspired to write. Starting out uninspired usually has a clunky, ugly beginning. And I don’t like that. I don’t know many people who do.
When I don't even have some nugget of an idea rolling around in my head. An idea that with time and a lot of tweaking turns into a pretty good piece of work.
Life can be this way too. Feeling downright uninspired. But you still have to go on even if it hurts. You have to move forward even when you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
Will Andy be sleeping a lot? Will he feel horrible? Or will he feel relatively good tomorrow? Will he be much help? Or will I do everything myself? Will the kids eat what I want them to eat or will meal time be hell like it usually is?
We spend so much time making our lives work. Making our houses just the way we want them to be. Getting our kids to eat the right foods or just getting them to eat at all. And for the most part, our lives do work. Everything goes according to plan. Sure we have a few bumps along the way. But with a little prayer and few good friends we make it through.
But what if life doesn’t work? What if it doesn’t go according to plan? What if everything we’ve known about the way things are changes? And not in a good way. What if this change makes you sad and angry? And you simply can’t make your life work?
I want so badly for Andy to feel better just so I can have the friend I had years ago. The one who goes to the beach with me and spends all day there. The one who doesn’t sleep all day. I want my dear, sweet Andy to be alive again. To be with me.
Life just isn’t working out the way I want. And to be honest I'd rather not do it, not write, not think, not struggle with my kids over eating cheese pizza that comes from the freezer rather than from Pizza Hut. Not feel lonely because my husband doesn’t have the energy to join the kids and me at the beach. Or because he’s just so fatigued he can’t get out of bed.
But I guess I will continue to get my kids to eat what they should. I will continue to love on Andy and hug him when we tells me he is hurting. And when he tells me he’s having a pretty good day. I will just go and be guided by the mystery of life. The same mystery that guides my writing and guides great writers to create great works of art.
I will move in faith. Forward. Even though I don’t know what will happen next. And hopefully in doing this honestly and earnestly I will develop into a pretty good piece of work.
*Title has nothing to do with my writing. It’s just the special they’re running right now at McDonalds in North Topsail Beach, NC.