my journey and observations about life

Secrets Rot the Soul

Some of the little things that I keep inside actually aren't all deep dark bad things.  I do find simple joys in life that I otherwise would glaze over in a normal life.  I usually wake up between 4 and 6am in just terrible pain because my meds have worn off and sleep can't hide the grumbling monster.  After I take my meds, I usually lay down and listen to music.  My favorites to listen to in the early morning these days are Gotye, Young the Giant and Scars on 45.  Of course that mixed in with some of my favorites from Sara Bareilles, Mumford and Sons, The Civil Wars and slide in Damien Rice, Coldplay and many others make for my morning soundtrack.

I always look outside at the horizon every morning to see what life on the outside seems to be brewing, because my daughter Reese always asks me what the weather is going to be.  I like to be able to tell her what I think and that I'm connecting to her in every way possible.  I lay back down and wait for the meds to ease their way through my veins and help pat down the grumbling monster.  I watch the sunlight creep in across the ceiling and think about life here, past to future.  Good thoughts.  Usually about good memories or things that i want to do.  Occasionally things creep in that make me sad but the music playing usually wisps away those things if I just give in to the melody and words.  Music is good for the soul.

It would be nice to just be able to listen to music and always feel the way I feel at this moment in the morning.  I feel stillness, content and don't think about painful things that eat away at my soul.  Things like where life is going, loneliness, suffering (not just mine), and things buried deep inside that I'm too afraid to talk about or I haven't processed enough to put into words.  These feelings and thoughts can only last so long.  The longer you keep them inside they become little secrets that you hold against yourself and others.  This isn't fair to you or the people in your life that have no idea what you are holding inside away from them and sometimes against them.  Kept inside long enough, these little secrets will begin to rot your soul and turn into anger, resentment and take away from the beautiful person that you can be.

Of course, letting out these little secrets isn't easy and is usually painful.  And who wants to add pain or conflict to their lives.  So we have to find safe times, safe people to ease these things out.  It isn't fair to those we love to hold things in until they explode out in a noxious fashion.  But as this all sounds good and easy, the later usually happens and causes pain, discomfort and discord.  You feel somewhat relieved to release things but then feel awful for the way it was delivered.  This makes you less likely to want to do that again, and then you do again because you follow the same pattern.

I am learning still how to do this.  Man do I screw this one up, but I am working on it.  Working on easing things out as they come without overwhelming the trusted ears that still listen.  I do appreciate those people so much in my life.  They help keep me sane, keep me mentally sane and self-sustainable.  These people also help save the relationships that I do have or help me move on to a safer place that I can be protected from things coming in the other direction too fast for me to handle.

Everyone have a good weekend and love the little things, the big things and all the people in your life that keep you who you truly are.



Andy BarwickComment