Be Strong. Take Heart.

Mining Inspiration

To say that I haven't written in a while is an understatement.  I haven't written because i have not had anything good or inspiring to write about.  And I think that is ok.  Even when I have felt well, I wasn't always finding inspiration nor seeking it in my daily life.  I always had great things happening so I didn't have to look for that.  So, I can't apologize for not writing when I don't feel good, I when I don't feel inspired, or I just plain don't want to talk to anyone or write.  But I need to.
For weeks now, I have been thinking about writing, but the weight of life and what I am going through has been drowning me.  Right now, I feel like I have been clawing for air while stuck underwater. I can't quite reach the surface because there are heavy blocks tied to my feet.  Today, for some reason, I had a little air.  Right now, I am sinking again so I will be brief in giving an update and somehow getting these words out to those still listening and praying.

We have finally settle with the banks after seven months of idiocracy.  We are moving about a mile from where we live now to a rental home in Oakhurst (a subdivision of Decatur).  We won't be moving in until Sept 1st and we are moving out this week.  Must be out before the 18th.  So for a while we will be nomads going here and there, some things hopefully fun, some things too serious to talk much about.  Reese is having fun this week at the Serenbe camp (thanks again Amy H!).  The rest of us will be packing and getting ready for the move.

Our short nomadic future will consist of traveling to the beach, visiting friends, and then the finale will be going up to Bethesda, Maryland to visit the NIH in mid-August.  I am looking forward to unloading some stress and spending time with Mary and the girls.  The NIH trip, gosh, I am looking at it not forwards to it, if that makes sense.

The NIH trip will decide this time something very important, whether I have a deeper form of Behcet's than previously diagnosed last year or that I have something else still unexplained.  I am hoping for the later because that means a little easier treatments to try.  If I have the deeper form of Behcet's, well, I have run out of options, even experimental, so the treatment would be as my rheumatologist puts it "nasty".  I haven't agreed to "nasty" yet either by the way.  I know that sounds somewhat controversial but I have been riding down a slippery slope for so long, I am not sure I am ready to jump the grand canyon.

It is not that I am severely depressed that keeps me from charging forwards through "nasty".  I am slightly (thanks to good meds), but I am in good spirits and I am choosing to take medicine decisions slower this year.  The Remicade brought forth a monster last year and I want to think things through a little more and take a slower pace.  A slower pace helps me understand things, accept them for what they might be, good and very bad, and seek something to keep me going.  I find inspiration in so many small things now that I use to walk over like a pebble on the highway.  But now I am moving at such a pace that I can see all the things left unturned or left behind by others.  Some would call it mining inspiration but I think it is something that is just within me to find the good in a bad situation.  I am in a situation now where no one would blame me to be different but that is not who I am.  To me, it is almost like being able to finally see the finely woven fabric that binds everything together.  To be able to look at where there should be no inspiration, and finding it spectacularly.

I won't blow smoke up your seat and tell you I feel better, or good.  I don't.  I think that I am getting to the point now where I am having to live a little bit outside of this body to survive.  When I float outside or imagine things as they were, I can pick inspiration and motivation like berries from bush or ripe grapes from the vine.  And when I bring them in they taste so good that they fill my soul and give me the wisdom, the motivation and the energy; to open my eyes, to get out of bed, and to love those around me.
Andy BarwickComment